I Believe In Magic

I’m a grown ass woman and I believe in magic. Not like the David Copperfield (Jezus he’s creepy) kind of magic or even the Chriss Angel kind. Magic is real. It exists; just maybe not the way you are thinking about it. Magic is everywhere.


When I was pregnant with my now five year old son my husband and I were trying to work through some shit. I had been up for a couple of days and had been crying. My head hurt, my eyes stung and my heart was broken. All day long I wasn’t sure if the marriage would last or if what we were experiencing would be the end. I’m not the praying kind but throughout the day I kept asking the universe to send me a sign that things would be ok. It was a cool crisp beautiful fall day. The leaves were turning and falling off the limbs of the trees and the air had that lovely aroma of autumn. I left work and felt the sun on my skin, a slight breeze on my face and I stood in the middle of the parking lot with my eyes closed focusing on my physical presence. I inhaled deeply and opened my eyes when all of the sudden I saw a leaf falling out of no where. It floated through the air in my direction and as it fell I put my hand out and it just landed gently in my palm.

OkIn that one moment I knew that everything would be OK. I knew that no matter what happened; whether I stayed with my husband or decided to make my exit and embark on a new life alone, I would be just fine. It was like I asked the universe for a sign and it delivered. Instantly I felt a sense of peace that I hadn’t felt in a long time and it encouraged me to allow my heart to scab over and begin to heal.

We don’t always need the answer we are looking for to come to a place of peace about our struggles. Sometimes, if we just take a moment and find a place of calm and really listen the universe delivers EXACTLY what it is you need. That is what I am talking about when I say that magic is real.

I feel like people wonder why they can’t figure things out for themselves. What many people need to understand, and I still struggle with is as well, is that we all have this preconceived notion of how things SHOULD be and we try our damnedest to be in control and make our vision of perfection come to fruition. What causes distress and suffering in our lives in this attachment to our expectations because when things don’t go the way we want to what happens? Are we mad? Disappointed? Angry? All of the above? It can truly be a disheartening feeling when your life takes a turn you didn’t expect and you’re left mourning an ideal you had for your life.

But, what would your life look like if you accepted what is and worked to move on? It’s so difficult. I get it. Here is the catch though. So much love, happiness and beauty Acceptance-quote-3happens in your life if you just LET GO and let the universe unfold what is truly meant to be in front of you  instead of trying to grab the universe by the horns and attempting to force it to obey your commands.  When you let go and allow things to happen the way they are meant to it allows you to come to a place of peace, a place of love and you start to appreciate the simple things in your life.

Let me give you an example:

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I had a doctor appointment which I experienced high levels of anxiety about due to past sexual trauma. The nurse asked about my anxiety and we talked about the trauma a bit which made me cry but I felt better after I disclosed that experience to her.After that they drew blood and for whatever reason my arm wouldn’t stop bleeding. We didn’t notice this until it squirted all over my shirt and pants. You can imagine how disconcerting that can be.

After I left the appointment I hit an icy patch on the road and began to fishtail. There was trucka semi truck right behind me and all I could do was try to get control of my vehicle. My thought was that my kids were far to young to lose their mama and I didn’t want my husband to lose yet another wife under tragic circumstances. I was so scared! Luckily I was able to pull out of the fishtail but not before slamming into a guard rail on the side of the road.

I made it out alive and well but I can’t say the same for my husbands truck. The shits of this situation is that two weeks ago we just paid it off. UGH!!!! The damage is so extensive that I would be Jacks complete lack of surprise if the insurance adjuster totaled it. I was so hard on myself after that happened.

I was supposed to drive to the cities to have coffee with a colleague and then be at Walk In for clinic hours. I cancelled my clients and coffee with my colleague and went home. I was so ready to be done with the day but I braved the roads and got into my van to make the hour drive to my clinic shift. I made it without incident and my shift was slow so we got out of their early.

It had been snowing but changed into freezing rain. I was frustrated with my wipers because they were absolutely ineffective and I couldn’t see anything. I was driving and trying to see and all of the sudden my wiper just snapped off and flew across the road. My reaction was “Oh, what the fuck!?” Luckily, I was two exits away from a Wal-Mart. I had just had it with the day and was mad as well when I arrived at the wiper aisle and it was a disaster (One of the things I abhor about Wal-Mart). It took a while but I finally found what I needed and paid.

Then I proceeded to stand in a mush puddle in the freezing cold rain trying to put the new wipers on my van. It was SO cold that my fingers were numb and I didn’t have a hat with me (True Minnesota faux pas) which made it that much more difficult to get the wipers on. I was cussing so hard!!!

I got home and my husband wanted to talk about my adult son. All I wanted was to be held and comforted. I just started to cry and all the things I’d been holding inside came spilling out. I cried for a good three hours before I cried myself to sleep. I woke up today feeling a lot like I did in the story at the top of this post. My head hurts, my eyes sting and my heart ached but I got up, played with my babies, played with my dog, cuddled my husband and then got ready for work.

I walked outside and it was so bright that it made my head scream. I put on my breathesunglasses stood there for a second. I don’t know if you get snow where you are but there is just SOMETHING about fresh snow. It makes everything look new and dampens noise plus it has this smell of pure cleanliness. The way the sun shines on the snow makes it look like white puffy clouds and the sky when not covered by clouds is so intensely blue. I stood there for a second with my eyes shut and inhaled very deeply. Once I exhaled I suddenly felt very ok and once again just knew that everything was going to be ok – No matter what.

Magic happens every day. You just have to be still and mindful enough to notice. It can happen in a single breath, the laughter of a baby, the breeze you feel on your face, the hug from a friend or the look your lover gives you. Magic isn’t just illusion and mystery. In fact, one of the definitions of Magic is “Wonderful; exciting.” It takes practice to notice these small cues from the universe so I encourage you to close your eyes, take a deep breath, be still and when you open your eyes be aware. Magic is all around and if you take a moment to notice the small things around you’ll catch it. When you do, your heart will be full.



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